I was lying on my couch tonight when my phone buzzed. It was a text. My heart raced as I saw the horribly abusive words on the screen that were designed to wound my heart. It was from an emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend who decided after a long while of not talking – that he would lash out at me verbally. I shook my head and hit block on his number (all my numbers unblocked when my phone reset itself last month). The last time we talked I saved him from hurting himself. Though I was furious with this guy’s words, I knew God was in this moment – turning a page. Our chapter is over.
My phone quickly buzzed again. This time it was a phone call – from another ex. This was the man who was my boyfriend on and off through high school and then for awhile post-divorce. I’d gotten into so much trouble over the years with and for him. He always made me laugh – always. He loves me – always. But he is just not the man for me. He left me when he went to prison when I was in high school, which shattered my heart, and then many years later we ended up trying to date again for a bit after my divorce.
I answered the phone and caught up on life with him a bit and I apologized for always being on the fringe as a friend. He stopped me short in my apology and told me that I had nothing to apologize for – but that he actually needed to apologize to me. He told me he regrets just one thing in his life – he regrets not having been the man I truly deserve. He apologized for all the troubles he caused me. For breaking my heart. For causing me pain. I sat on the other end of the phone and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.
He spoke words only God knew I needed to hear. He is not a man of faith – but God used him tonight to help heal my heart. As he spoke for several minutes he spoke truth to the lies I’d believed all these years. His words were nourishment to the raw, oozing, open wounds in my heart. He said he isn’t a man of prayer but he has been praying lately that I find a man worthy of me. A family man. A praying man. An educated man. A great father. A caring, devoted husband. He said if anyone in the world deserves love – that it is me. He said I deserve to have the kind of love that I give others.
All the things I pray to find in a man – he spoke those things as if reading from the pages of my open heart.
The more he spoke, the more I knew that this was God speaking healing to my heart from the most unlikely of places. He spoke things only God knows I struggle with. Since this guy knew me from the time I was 12 – he watched me struggle with things – he spoke truth into some long-standing lies and broke their power over me. When God decides to speak – he speaks, using whatever mouth he wants to speak from.
When he was done speaking, I told him I accept his apology and told him I forgive him. Then we said goodbye for the last time.
Another page turned.
These God moments actually came after another surprise phone call I received last night. This, too, was from someone God used to speak healing to my heart. This one, though a page turned, actually marks the beginning of a new chapter in that particular friendship.
Why am I posting this?
Sometimes God speaks to me this way – through the most unlikely people. And I’m being vulnerable because maybe you’re struggling like me and these words can help breathe life back into you too.
Interestingly, I’ve been mostly off my phone for almost a month – which is exactly how God chose to bring healing – through the phone. AND – I’ve decided that I’m going to rely less on text and more on actual voice calls because text is often misinterpreted.
Interesting then, isn’t it – how tonight’s ugly text brought me pain, while the voice calls from tonight and last night brought me healing.
God cares about even the smallest details.
It goes to show me that I can trust that He will work in me if I’ll trust Him, follow Him, and let Him work HIS way. I control nothing. Not even my own healing.
And it shows me that He knows every detail of my heart and wants to heal me in ALL of my broken places.
And that, my friends, is how I finally turned the page.