It’s taken 2 and a half long, excruciating weeks to unfilter you.
There wasn’t just one, but two:
The filter you wanted me to see you through –
And the filter I chose to look at you through.
Or maybe four – because did I ever show you the real me?
And so did you.
There were moments I caught a glimpse of reality when I looked in your direction.
We really saw each other.
A beautiful exposure.
And it kept my gaze in your direction like a lost first-mate scanning the horizon for a shoreline.
But it quickly vanished.
It’s never real.
Because we protect our hearts with smoke and mirrors.
We’ve all been too-powerfully hurt: those of us who have loved and lost.
Someone said it’s better to have…
They lied to us.
It’s horrible to have loved and lost.
But I’ve decided love is a mirage.
We’re all parched –
Heavy, sand-filled feet habitually strike the ground –
One-after-one until we presumably
But I’m tired. And I’m thirsty.
And I refuse to follow my own heart any longer.
And I refuse to follow advice-columns, talk-show trends, suggestive cinematic smatterings of hope.
This is why my heart is sick.
So I’ve decided to settle in where I belong instead of searching the horizon for what I “deserve,” what is “meant to be,” for what must be my “destiny.”
Destiny is here.
Truth lives in my heart.
It takes a true warrior to fight what tries to strangle her within.
I belong in my skin.
In this generation.
For the purpose of smiling, laughing, living, expressing joy.
It’s not what I don’t have that gives me purpose and hope.
Nor what I do.
It is who I am and, more to the point, it is exactly who I exist for:
I won’t perfectly live out this truth, unfiltered.
I won’t promise I’ll never wish for this hole inside of me to go away or be filled.
But it’s truth that sets me free.
So I’ll stay on this path to truth, TV on mute, recycling bin close by, earplugs at the ready because the truth is:
We don’t have to search for love.
We already have it.
Love was crocheted into our DNA.
They lied to us.